Parenting by Connection

Hand in Hand promotes the development of parents as leaders. We start with information that helps parents strengthen their connection with their children and with other parents. Using our Parenting by Connection approach, parents strengthen their families, and then apply the skills and support they have built to move their communities forward.

• When children feel connected, they learn readily, love easily, and become true leaders among their peers. A healthy parent-child connection enables a child to fully access his intelligence and ability.
  
  
• When parents can connect with their children and with other parents, there's greater success at solving the problems at the heart of family and community life and more enjoyment in the work of parenting.
  
  
• When children’s behavior goes “off track” they are usually making a plea for closeness, connection and understanding. Children's ability to overcome difficulties is strengthened when parents use the tools of Special Time, Playlistening, Setting Limits and Staylistening to reconnect with their children. Once a child feels connected again, he is able to make thoughtful decisions and learn from his experience.
  
  
• When emotional stress sends parents' behavior "off track," they need the support of a listener who appreciates how hard they try, and how much they want things to be better. Parents need safety to offload the feelings that interfere with their ability to guide their children with love and to reconnect with them in a thoughtful way.

Parenting by Connection principles include:

• Respect
  Our listening tools promote full respect for the minds of children and the work of parenting.
  
  
• Connection
  Parents and children flourish when they feel close and connected. We teach simple, effective ways to build and rebuild the parent-child connection.
  
  
• Listening
  Listening connects us, facilitates healing and fosters the ability to think, learn, and care.
  
  
• Leadership
  We help parents develop the skills to reach their goals. With support, parents take steps to build healthy families and strong communities.

Parenting by Connection uses the following Listening Tools with children:

• Special Time
  An adult sets aside a distinct period of time — from 5 minutes to an hour — during which he will focus undivided attention on the child, doing whatever play the child chooses, within the limits of safety and reason. This simple tool helps foster strong parent/child connections.
  
  
• Playlistening
  The adult takes the less powerful role in play. The adult notices what allows the child to laugh (without being tickled), promotes the child's laughter and encourages the child's exploration of the more powerful role. Laughter and fun build children's confidence and help parents feel close, too.
  
  
• Setting Limits
  The adult takes responsibility to stop behavior that is hurtful or thoughtless, without directing blame or hurtful actions toward the child. Or, the adult holds out a reasonable expectation, such as sitting in a car seat, without backing down and without hurtful actions toward the child. When the child's feelings about the limit or the expectation erupt, the adult stays and offers closeness, because listening and closeness will restore the child's ability to think clearly again.
  
  
• Staylistening
  The adult stays close to a child who is shedding emotions through crying, tantrums or trembling and raging. The adult listens and allows the child to express the feelings of hurt that have skewed his judgment. When the child is finished, he can feel the caring the adult has offered, and he can relax, learn, and play well again.

Parenting by Connection uses the following Listening Tools with adults:

• Listening Partnerships
  Two parents take turns respectfully listening to the thinking, efforts, and feelings of the other. No advice is given and no analysis is made by the listener. Listening Partnerships give parents the chance to learn from their own experience and honor their own thoughts, feelings and goals. Listening Partnerships promote parent leadership at home and in the community.
  
  
• Parent Resource Groups
  A group of parents gathers, exchanges updates on their lives, and then offers respectful listening time to each member in turn. No advice is given and no analysis is made by any listener. A leader promotes the guideline of full confidentiality, and mentors parents as they use the ideas of Parenting by Connection. Parent support groups are an excellent place to learn and share in a safe environment. They foster listening and leadership skills and help parents develop a strong sense of respect for themselves and other parents and for the vital work they do.

Parenting by Connection is described in more detail in the Hand in Hand booklets, audiotapes, and videotapes. Parenting by Connection helps parents learn to meet their children's needs and to assist them with their difficulties, while building better support for themselves.

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